Old Age Homes – Are Children Always to be Blamed?

As children we are always taught to respect our parents. Parents are God in human forms, one should worship one’s parents and it is the duty of the children to take care of their parents in their old age, these are some diktats that have been floating around in our society for centuries.

However, today we are witnessing a massive increase in the number of old age homes, or the more fashionable, retirement homes. Aged people are becoming more and more isolated and youngsters have less and less patience in handling them or adjusting with them. Isolation and loneliness are widespread among our elders.  It may begin with the the loss of a spouse.  It may be compounded by physical decline such as loss of driving ability, decreased hearing or vision and loss of memory.  Many high earners and men and women with class and status in society can’t stand the sight of their aged and ailing parents and leave them to wither away in obscure old age homes, not even looking back once at the person who was the prime reason for their existence.  

It really wrenches our heart to think about such suffering that the aged have to undergo, isn’t it? Yes I agree that a large number of senior citizens are often abandoned by their own kith and kin and left to rot in old age homes.

However, there is also another side to the coin. There are also a sizable number of men and women who are forced to take the decision of leaving their parents in old age homes, because their parents leave them no other choice with their attitude and behaviour.

We humans, as we have so often heard, are social animals. We live in families unlike other animals who go separate ways from their parents after they grow up, we generally still care for them, till the end of their lives. At least it is true to a large extent in India. However, in this social set up, we often come across individuals who care nothing for family or relationships. For them, their wants and needs have to be satisfied, by any means. They give two pence if someone in the family needs their attention.

There are parents who won’t approve of their son, and almost always, the daughter-in-law (daughter and son-in-law) is also true, but in the Indian setup, it is the son on whom the burden of taking care of the parents falls.  It is really sad that some parents despite all the love and kindness those children shower on them, the parents refuse to let them live in peace

Many of such children will try to go separate ways from their parents at the first opportunity that presents itself leaving the uncaring parents behind, and show no inclination of returning even after a decade. However, there are persons who still take care of such parents, in spite of their cold attitude. Sadly, despite all the love and kindness those children shower on their parents, the parents refuse to let them live in peace. They bring home one problem or another and make the life of the children hell.  

The children are fully stressed out due to the problems their parents raise, but are still reluctant to send them away. There are children who fear they would be failing in their duties if they put their parents  in an old age home.

I would ask you all my senior friends that, is leaving such parents in an old age home wrong? If the children can get some peace of mind, and maybe, so may the parents by being separate, why can they not do that and move on with their lives? Should they carry a guilt in their heart of having admitted such a parent to an old age home?  I don’t think anything is wrong in this as instead of creating unpleasantness in the house.  I think this is the best decision for them both.  In this present situation where everyone has a right to live their lives then parents have to change and ignore a lot of things that happen around them.  I know it is difficult but for the peace of the family you have to.

There are other important sentimental values which need to be seen to and considered towards parents. There are a lot of memories attached with their home which the parents shared with their soulmate.  The children can’t force them to leave it behind.

When parents react physically to their frustrations with their situation and vulnerability as well as their reduced decision-making abilities, then the children have no choice but to move them so that they can receive better care, and receive full-time professional home health care.

Putting anyone into a new environment can be an uncomfortable and even distressing experience. Suddenly, while at their most vulnerable, we "ask" our parents to form new acquaintances, trust new professional caregivers, navigate new schedules, and acclimate to new environments. These demands will challenge them acutely, while we, as children thrust into primary decision-making roles, can only hope they'll make the best of the new situation.

"There are plenty of factors that go into feeling guilty," Emotions range from feeling inadequate to feeling overly responsible.

Most significantly, we want our parents to remain decision makers and to be omniscient, to regain the sense of normalcy. We're upset when we have to take over their roles. We feel guilty about the role reversal. We assume moving them into assisted living declares loudly and clearly that we can't handle taking care of them. Wondering if we are doing the right thing. This second-guessing can turn the already finite time we have to spend with our parents into even more stressful and anxious experiences.

Open and honest discussion with your parent while they are still at a place to make such decisions. and other family members becomes an essential first step when you are trying to decide if moving your parent to a new living situation is the right thing to do and will help you decide how best to proceed. Expectations must be defined and clear to everyone involved. And you must go out to check thoroughly the place where you intend to shift them to.

Make decisions with your parents A comprehensive Living Will and Health Care Proxy can ease the approaching situation for everyone. Proper health insurance and financial preparation also alleviates areas of common conflict.Early planning can broaden the options, answer many of the initial questions, and clarify some of the ambiguity, but the doubt and uncertainty of how things will turn out remain.

The paradox, of course, is that we want nothing more than to ease our parents' pain and suffering, even to sacrifice our comfort temporarily to improve their overall lives, and yet, by its very nature, the desired outcome remains uncertain.

"Empowering our parents is a priceless opportunity," "They remain keepers of the family, full of family history and cultural knowledge. We craft their legacy and add a bit of eternity when we communicate. They appreciate the longevity of their family and their fear (and our guilt) of being supplanted diminishes."

Moving our parents is never easy. But we do the best we can for them with what we have, and hopefully remember that our parents once did the same for us.

Home Away from Home: Relocating Your Parents

As your parent gets older, his/her care needs will change, and in most cases become more challenging. Moving your parent into your home is certainly one option, but you and your family should take some time to consider other living arrangements as well.

Many residential communities for seniors are owned and operated by faith-based or other organizations with which your parent may feel an affiliation or interest. Ask your parent if they know of any friends who have moved to these new communities, and find out if your parent would be interested in being in the same community. If you want your parents to move in with you please bear a few points in your mind, understand that living with a parent most likely will lead to a shift in family roles. A once-authoritative parent may become more dependent—you may become the guardian who gives direction and controls many aspects of your parent's life, while trying to preserve as much autonomy as possible for your parent.

The Loss of Your Time. Caregiving requires a significant amount of time and is very likely to impact your work, family time, personal time and sleep. Bear all these in mind so that peace and harmony remains in your family life on the whole

Rewards

Despite the challenges, many adult children find that providing support and care for their parents is one of the most rewarding experiences they have ever had. Parents can contribute to the family through sharing their past and become an integral part of your household. Grandchildren have the unique opportunity to learn and absorb family history. Caregiving carries with it the extraordinary opportunity to give back what your parent once provided to you.

Parents’ point of view and their feelings

“I've looked forward to being older because you will have that many more miles covered. We mustn't be led into thinking getting old is bad. Growing old is good”. - Joanna Lumley

Old age is a time when we need the love and care of our loved ones most. However, in our country some old people are put in homes for the aged and are conveniently forgotten by their children. While the government has built special homes for the elderly and provide them the care they need, it is no substitute for one's own home. Unfortunately, most people have forgotten these rights, instead disobedience and severance of ties have risen to harden the hearts, and even they contempt and detest their parents;especially in old age. There are no more emotional feelings in most of the children today as they are so busy with their career and family live.

Some people have even deemed themselves superior to those two old good creatures. A recompense is sure in store for those disobedient children, sooner or later. Definitely, our aged parents, now that they cannot look after themselves, need all our attention at home, the home they reared us in; and definitely NOT AN OLD AGE HOME !

ADVICE TO THE CHILDREN OF AGEING PARENTS

Isolation and loneliness are widespread among our elders.  It may begin with the the loss of a spouse.  It may be compounded by physical decline such as loss of driving ability, decreased hearing or vision. Visit in person at regular intervals.  Not only is it better than a call because you can see what is going on, it is best for the senior to see you, get a hug from you or feel the benefit of your physical presence. If distance and time make this a challenge, consider using Skype(TM), or other video to make contact a visible event.  If your aging parent is difficult and this is not enjoyable for you, keep it brief, but make it regular.  But please please do visit them as without them, you would not have been here.  Also do try and remember what all they did for you when you were small. One day you too will be getting old.  Always remember that.

I am not emotionally blackmailing you.  As adults you know what best you can do and the choice and decision is yours to take!

Parsan Narang

15th May 2016